My home, clean and settled.

It’s not enough.

Food in the refrigerator.

It’s not enough.

Long hair and pretty face.

Not enough.

Full belly is good.

It empties, eventually.

Work that pays.

Admiration of colleagues

Affection of good people

Attention from lovers

I have it

It’s not enough

I am scared

I do not want to be alone

And all I want  is to be left alone

Please just let me organize my drawers

Wash my dishes

Grind the coffee

Tell you how to wear your pants

And cut the lemons.

Wait, where are you going?

To be one of those reclusive, creative, poet people…

Living intensely, obsessively,

offering my experience to the world

without grounding and without deep connection.

I don’t know that the nature of my passion

can allow for another, not closely.

I can’t seem to exit my mind’s trajectory long enough

to feel the value of another in my heart space.

This fire needs room.

It burns brighter than any I’ve met,

always burning…

myself and others.

Friends warm their hands near me, as I offer energy and insight,

piercing into deadness, awakening life~

mostly enlivening, sometimes indulgent, occasionally chaotic

Often too much for others to bear.

i do think I love,

but I fear it’s a fantastical, idealistic sort of love.

My drive eclipses moments of closeness,

sacrificed to the god I honor, the god of control~

of perfection. of survival.

Survival is the killer.

Love cannot flourish in that swampland.

and it is that.

Dark and pulling me away from the sky,

from humanity, from the freedom of true self.

alas.

I can not stop

making this thing right, perfect

correcting all errors and removing interference.

somehow I think I can sleep

If only I can make this screen reflect the right image.

sleek, sophisticated, savvy and elite.

elite. yes, that’s important.

it must be better than the others,

demanding reverence and respect.

quality without question.

I’ll leave the day alone,

hidden away,

in frayed jeans and faded tank top.

sun shining, trees breathing

lives living

all to pursue this perfection.

The Christian Mother Archetype, "Mary"

This blog is a long time coming, and even now, I don’t feel ready. Instead of making even more excuses about why I can’t get started, I’m going to jump right in.

I won’t be spending a lot of time spell checking or even making sure I’m using proper grammar. I might even start a blog and publish it before my thought is finished.  I may speak thoughtlessly, or express an ignorant opinion.  I might shove my foot in my mouth. I may look foolish.  I may share too much of my personal life.  I may show myself to be vulnerable and errant. And I may just remind you of yourself.

I’m hoping that this blog will allow me to witness my own creative process in a way that’s nurturing and expansive. I’m relating to this blog as a therapy of sorts: the daily practice of witnessing life, without judgment, only a ton of compassion.    I think we could all use some of that.

Most religions have Mother Archetypes who represent perfect compassion and love.  The Mother Archetype also embodies the characteristics necessary to protect and nurture the divine child.  Taken metaphorically, that is the spark of aliveness, wonder, innocence and love that lives in all of us.

One writer says this about the Mother Archetype,

“…Mother is about creativity and the very act of creation.  It is also about nurturing, guiding, and supporting.  Often mother demonstrates tenacity, protectiveness, resourcefulness.   One of the great lessons of the mother archetype is the process of life and mothering.  It is important to create, nurture, empower and release…”

“…Along the way mother may be called upon for willing sacrifice.  Many a mother who has gone through the process of willing sacrifice came through realizing the process broke their heart wide open and they were filled with unconditional love – truly a potential jewel and gift of the archetype of mother…”

“…Great Destruction as well as Great Creation is a potential of the shadow side of the mother.  We think of Mother Nature, not Father Nature, and hurricanes have traditionally been named based upon the symbolism of feminine destructive powers…”

“…So we have polar opposites: Creation / Destruction – and the duality contained within.  The mother archetype can be a catalyst in the lessons of duality, all encompassing, and wholeness…It is truly one of the archetypes that if we bring into clarity and consciousness can help us understand ourselves at a much deeper level…”

With all that said, I’m thinking of this blog as a sort of cyber Mom, encouraging me to create and play and look and explore, but also assisting  me in discerning which toys are no longer useful and feeding me the courage to let them go.

Perhaps my process of transparent witnessing will be useful to you as well.  I hope so.

I will do my best to be as genuine as I can, shying away from positioning myself to look good and get it right. Even when I do get it right, and impress people,  I’m left empty. Getting it right on those terms only proves I wasn’t enough in the first place.  *sigh*

And we’re all enough.  Mom said so.

Until next time, be well, or at least admit you’re not, and get a tub of ice cream.

A

*If you’re interested in a bit about Jung, and the concept of archetypes, this is a  fairly simple article to get you started.

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